Missing In Action

Everyone in my life knows I am a PRO at going M.I.A. sorry about it but hey! that's just me and what I do. I stayed in 4 out of 7 nights last week (!). Shocker I know but it mostly was because of my friend's wedding. IT WAS THE MOSTBEAUTIFUL NIGHT ever! The church was gorgeous and the bride even more so. I teared up when I saw her and then I cried at the second saying. The way love was described. How it is endless, supportive, everything to the two who feel it. I knew that MT in fact never loved me like that. I'll never understand his love but I do know now that it certainly was not for better or worse. Our love was the worst. It was not good and it should not happen to me again.

Now I'm stuck. I stayed in 4 nights. Ate Chipotle and ice cream (not together!) and cried. Cried that I ever believed him. Not that I should not have and that I don't believe he loved me RATHER I believed he loved me as I did him. I am an unconditionally loving person and I wish that the amount of love I feel and I have in my heart could fill his heart. EEK! Did you notice that sentence was in present tense. I really hope I don't REALLY want him to still fully love me as I loved him. Oh noo. Why is this so confusing?!

I don't think that he has ever loved anybody/anything. Something happened to him in his life thattuned him out from the world and I think it was at a very young age and he just thought that's how the world was.

The world is not like that. The world can be fulfilling and loving. I have felt that and it wasn't when I was with him. I know he's not the one for me. I know if I ever saw him again I would lose my breath and stop dead in my tracks. Not because it's the love of my life but because I would be fearful. Fearful of my natural emotions because he never approved of them and he never wanted to know them. I wouldn't want him to see me when I'm feeling again.

So I'm still scared people.

Breathe and Stop.

I have to figure out why. Why I am still thinking of MT. Why I am still relating him to current days. I have counted the days for so long but if you asked me right now how many days it's been I couldn't tell you. I think that's a great first step. Of course in a minute/two I'm going to whip out the Crackberry and count the days from my 73 days post but still. I don't know it as I did on that post day.

Why do some people have such a large impact in our lives? Has he on me all because of love? I'm scared to death of love. That's why I was surprised I even let him. It was something about him. The walls came crashing down as if a bulldozer just kept hitting and hitting till there was no more walls left. But now. The walls aren't exactly up again but they aren't exactly non-existent anymore. I don't like to think I have any walls. I don't want to have them. But the minute I think of those emotions of falling love and even lust my heart beats super fast, my mind races and I just tell myself to stop.

I have to stop telling myself to stop.

Inhale. Exhale.

I'm getting all of these thoughts out now so that I can go back in reference and actually answer them. I want to know the answers. I want to have every answer to every question. Even if it's not the "correct" answer. IF it can help make sense of anything it will me make that next step down the path.

My mind is all over the place. Sorry.

Confused

Okay. My first approch is to bullet each thought. I close my eyes and type, excuse the typos, I told you this was going to be honest:

• Hope
• Lost
• Sad
• Love
• Why?
• Anger
• Confused
• Anxit (sans typo: Anxiety)
• ain (sans typo: Pain)
• torture
• Heartache

Now to move on to what my biggest issue is. I will be helping a customer, drinking with a friend, driving, laying in my bed, watching a reality tv. Basically just living life and then all of a sudden an image will pop in my head. Again, eyes closed, here are some:

• MT will be waiting for me an my apt when I get home.
• I will run into MT nex ttime I'm visiting NYC.
• MT will ask to have me back and I'll say no.
• MT ill next see me when I'm happpy with my next boyfriend (hopefully C)
• Oh no, I am picturing C and I being together.
• I See us traveling and laughing.
• Just pictured MT walking from where the bus stops on 34th St. and 7th Ave (okay I peeked to type the correct numbers).
• Just pictured on eone of our many mornings taking the ferry from NJ oer to NYC and then the bus to the same bus stop. We would walk get off at the bus top prior to the 34th/7th ave stop (okay peekedagain) and walk on opposite sides of the street bc nobody we worked with was a llowed to know we were togethr.
• they weren't allowed toknow we were in love.
• Image of when thefollowing day after I told mt i was moving. I asked him to take me out the following night to celebrate he said no bc he already had plans. When I sawhim that following day I had never given him a meaner look on the sales floor and didn't care who saw.
• Crying outside of his house in Fort Lee.
• Sigh. C.
• Sigh. My friends in VA.
• Arlo & Esme with M...sad.

Just got an FB chat from G. He's a good guy. I'm distracted now.

Those were very honest thoughts and I'm nervous about posting. But here we go.

xoxo

Challenge

I had a somewhat of an epiphany Sunday/Monday-ish. If it's somewhat of an epiphany I guess it's not an epiphany huh? Well I had a great weekend with C but MT came up with a lot of my thoughts and emotions. For the next few days I'm going to focus on the initiation of my journey to get over him and really analyze the thoughts, emotions and mass confusion that comes up. I think that will be the most healthy thing so that my next move is tres honest and true to myself. That's what anybody in my life deserves, as goes for the people in yours. If you're not honest with yourself you will not be able to be honest with others. Whether it's family, friends, boyfriends, colleagues, bosses or strangers. We owe it to ourselves to really dive DEEP down into what is making us- US!

This is going to be difficult and I can see me leading away from the path I have now set foot on BUT that's what life is about. Challenges and arising to each and every one with strength, hope and courage.

So let's go!!

xoxo

Great Expectations

Spoke with R and B yesterday.

I definitely am not into B. He is completely dense! If there's an awkward silence (aka pause on AIM) 7 minutes will go by and he'll write, "the weather's nice outside." I DON'T EVEN RESPOND to such boring and did I say boring? comments. 5 minutes later, "I think I'm going to go for a run tonight". Okayyyy do you want a freakin' medal?! Congratulations! 5 minutes pass again, "I ran 8 miles yesterday." WTF dude?! Oop! Connection lost, such a shame.

My guard sure is up about R, I told you all how S found out he's "sketchy from girls" right? Aka he sleeps around if he wants to!! Sorry buddy I already have my sleeping partner that's not going to happen. However! He did FB chat with me yesterday to make sure I was going to be at his friend's/roommate's graduation party tonight.

R: Are u coming to _____'s thing on Sat?
K: S JUST called me and told me about it. Yea we're all gonna go.
R: okay cool, we're playing
K: That's good. Hopefully you'll actually have some time to talk to me.
R: Probably
K: Rude!
R: Not probably, definitely!
K: Okay, well I'm off to Girl's Night have a good one!
R: Take care, see you Sat :-)

There was some other talk about my watching Twilight while FB chatting him and talking to S on the phone but I don't wanna bore y'all!

After some more FB chatting, sans C, tear. I took a nap and then showered to go over to A's. We drank red wine and dished about our weeks. She: ex boyfriend started dating some UGLYYY maybe a woman, it's her last official week at her job and convos with Tropicana R. Me: work didn't pay me on the 15th, R, C, B and what to wear for our friend's wedding next weekend. I actually have both of my dresses and WILL NOT be purchasing, ironically, that's a good feeling. Who woulda thought?!

While we're dishing C's roomie called and my new Chrisette Michele ringtone came up:

"So I think I'm just about over being your girlfriend ( your girlfriend) I'm leaving, (I’m leaving) I'm leaving No more wonderin what you've been doin Where you been sleeping "

I pick up.

K: Hola! como estas?!
C's roomie: What are you up to?
K: Just at A's getting ready to leave soon.
C's roomie: Ahh I see, I'm leaving ________'s and trying to figure out what to do next?
K: Let's go see ____ at _____ in Georgetown?!
C's roomie: Sounds great but I can't drive.
K: I'll drive.
C's roomie: Yeah but if we see ___ you will not be able to drive home. So you can leave your car at our place and we can take a cab back.

(See we're responsible!)

K: OK, Sounds good. We'll see you in a bit.

A and I go over to the boys' place. He's giving A a tour of the house when he tells me C got too fucked up and is sleeping downstairs. So I run downstairs and hop into bed with him. He holds me tight and we make out for a bit. I cut it off to get back to the other two and go into the city. They let me know my fly was undone. Woopsies!!

We head to Georgetown and have a great time. Lots of laughing and I got hit on by a pretty sexy black man. Yum Yum Yum. I only had 2 beers and 2 ginger ales after our bartender friend questioned if I was okay or not. By 3 o'clock we were ready to leave. I drop A off at home while C's roomie is passed out snoring on beat to Kanye's Amazing while I drive us back to his place.

I originally was not planning on staying over so I didn't go through the downstairs door of their house (that's where C hangs out), instead the front door. I guess he heard us and came upstairs. I found this out when I went to the kitchen to get his roomie some water to drink before bed and when he woke up the next am. C was standing right there in the kitchen! He came upstairs just for me :-)

We kissed and he convinced me to stay over. Let me tell you, we didn't go to bed until 5:30-6, basically it was light out already but we didn't care. We played in bed for hours and after we were still wide awake. So we sat there, naked, smoked a bowl, shared some crazy stories and passed out together in bed. I don't know what it is but I feel so good when I'm wrapped in his arms and sleeping. We can't stop kissing one another when we're together. It's seriously like we're 15. I've never made out with someone so much in my life I don't think.

However, just like being 15 and I'm becoming totally smitten. This flashes danger signs and lights right in my face but I can't help it. I picture us doing boyfriend/girlfriend things one day and just being two very happy people together. I don't see why not. We call each other out, we are completely sexually charged together, we laugh nonstop and are extremely light-hearted when we're together. It's one of those things where people may not see it but when it's just us it's just easy. I don't think that happens often. But, I keep reminding myself to have no expectations. Maybe a few can't hurt.

I mean, Pip got his way in the end, right?

And now I'm at work. After 3 hours of sleep. I'm here working. Sigh.

xoxo

But You Say He's Just A Friend..

All of this confusion really kicked in after Monday night. I got wasted, like I mean bombed. I had Tuesday off and I was out with C's roomie at the Will.I.Am concert at a local bar/club in NoVa. I know random right?! Will is endorsing one of the the guys running for the Virginia Governor primary so he and Biz Markie, who*ah-hem* I ran into downstairs all alone and he touched my arm and called me honey. Oh baby youuuu, you got what I neeeedddd, but you say he's just a friend. This was after about 3 stoli raz & gingers,which did not have enouogh vodka in them and when I asked the bartender for more he was tacky about it:

K: Hi, excuse me can I have some more stoli raz in here please?
Bartender: (Takes 2 straws stirs them around my drink, places his index finger over top of straws and tastes the bottom) Absolutley NOT! There's more than enough in here.
K: Well I don't think so but there was no reason to be rude about it!!

Definitely didn't go back to him for the rest of the night AND I took my tip off of the table.

I go back to C's roomie.

K: Hi!
C's roomie: Hey
K: The bartender wouldn't give me more vodka!
C's roomie: (LOLs) You're crazy

The song that came on reminded me of MT's niece. So I shared the story with C's roomie.

C's roomie: You're still in love with him.

K: Oh! Without a doubt!

C's roomie: Interesting.

We've always been close and he reminds me that C is just a hook up, rather I remind him that so he doesn't start to think that I actually like C. You can never let boys know the truth espeically when it's about their own friends. C's roomie's loyalty is with C not me. So I let him know when I go on dates, who I think is cute and the stupid shit I do for boys' attention.

We stand and gossip about the cougars, gays and how I thought political people were supposed to be good looking, i.e. Elle Woods. We're enjoying the music and our drinks. Biz was pretty good, listened to the governor guy while C's roomie explained to me what a primary is because I have nooooo idea about politics, and then Will came and dj'ed for a bit. It was a pretty good time but my friend E wanted to meet up too!

So we go back to C's roomies place and E meets us there. Her and his roomie have something going on but nobody quite knows exactly what it is but I'm all for it! We go back and the three of us are the only ones there and continue to drink. So if I remember correctly I was told to go into C's room and go to bed while they went to 7-11 to get food. I do. they come back with cheez-its (wtf?) and a huge bottle of H2O (TG). They go upstairs so I head back to the couch, not touching the food or drink. Watch The LandBefore Time and pass the EFF out!

Before I know it I'm getting woken up. It's C! Yayyy He gives me a sweet little kiss on the cheek and I turn around (still half-asleep and very much intoxicated) and say:

K: Hiiiii
C: Hey, come one let's go to bed.
K: wait, where am I?
C: (LOLs) Come with me

So we go to bed. We start to make out and do our thing but he keeps making fun of me! He says it's cute but I don't believe him. So he pulls me into him and we go to sleep.

Wake up the next morning, I didn't have work TG but he had to go in late afternoon. We sleep wrapped in one another, kiss here and there and laugh about the previous night.While we're cuddling he states he wants to have a sober sex date. I agree. But this is going to be weird!! He's probably going to come to my place which will be the first timesince MT that another boy has been in my apartment let a lone my bed. Although, one of the nights of MT's visit in January he did spend on the floor. Sigh.

C was cute. That's why I'm confused. A boy who has an on-again off-again girlfriend, smokes pot all day and works for the family business is not allowed to be cute. He's not allowed to make me feel good about myself! If he doesn't have any major commitments in his daily life he sure as hell will not want any! Must not like him, must not like him.

EEK!

Something's Gotta Give

This Sucks.

Okay I know M gets very annoyed when I think like this but THIS SUCKS! I hate liking people. Absoultely despise it! I lack any control and hiding of my feelings when this happens! Shit why did I let myself get into this?! Okay I'm not in love or anything (TG!) but seriously I don't like when you're at work and you think of that certain someone or when you're actually laying in your own bed trying to fall asleep and that little teenie thought of that certain someone of the opposite sex creeps into your mind.

Thought creeping, thought creeping, "STOP K! Turn over and go to sleep. Power of now. Echart Tolle. You are in bed right now,you must fall asleep right now. Roll over! Think of sleep. Count to 10. Breathe in 1, breathe out 2, breathe in 3, *yawn* start again. Breathe in 1, breathe out 2, breathe in 3, breathe out 4" then the thought creeps back out and I fall asleep.

Honestly, that's too much energy right there. If I don't have enough energy to fall asleep at night how am I going to handle the energy of liking somebody who I know is emotionally unavailable. SB says my emotionally unavailable theory is bullshit and that I AM the one who is emotionally unavailable.

But how can that be?

I know what I'm feeling and I just choose how I want to show it, with that said, even IF I want to show it. SB shouldn't say these things to me, now I'm confused that I like someone but even more confused as to who exactly is EU (emotionally unavailable people not the Eurpoean Union) and how to deal. Something's gotta give, right?! I am so anti everything today. Anti-work, anti-drinking (surprise!), anti-boys, anti-social, anti-responsible and anti-energy!

Hopefully this won't last long.