Everyone in my life knows I am a PRO at going M.I.A. sorry about it but hey! that's just me and what I do. I stayed in 4 out of 7 nights last week (!). Shocker I know but it mostly was because of my friend's wedding. IT WAS THE MOSTBEAUTIFUL NIGHT ever! The church was gorgeous and the bride even more so. I teared up when I saw her and then I cried at the second saying. The way love was described. How it is endless, supportive, everything to the two who feel it. I knew that MT in fact never loved me like that. I'll never understand his love but I do know now that it certainly was not for better or worse. Our love was the worst. It was not good and it should not happen to me again.
Now I'm stuck. I stayed in 4 nights. Ate Chipotle and ice cream (not together!) and cried. Cried that I ever believed him. Not that I should not have and that I don't believe he loved me RATHER I believed he loved me as I did him. I am an unconditionally loving person and I wish that the amount of love I feel and I have in my heart could fill his heart. EEK! Did you notice that sentence was in present tense. I really hope I don't REALLY want him to still fully love me as I loved him. Oh noo. Why is this so confusing?!
I don't think that he has ever loved anybody/anything. Something happened to him in his life thattuned him out from the world and I think it was at a very young age and he just thought that's how the world was.
The world is not like that. The world can be fulfilling and loving. I have felt that and it wasn't when I was with him. I know he's not the one for me. I know if I ever saw him again I would lose my breath and stop dead in my tracks. Not because it's the love of my life but because I would be fearful. Fearful of my natural emotions because he never approved of them and he never wanted to know them. I wouldn't want him to see me when I'm feeling again.
So I'm still scared people.
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