Confused

Okay. My first approch is to bullet each thought. I close my eyes and type, excuse the typos, I told you this was going to be honest:

• Hope
• Lost
• Sad
• Love
• Why?
• Anger
• Confused
• Anxit (sans typo: Anxiety)
• ain (sans typo: Pain)
• torture
• Heartache

Now to move on to what my biggest issue is. I will be helping a customer, drinking with a friend, driving, laying in my bed, watching a reality tv. Basically just living life and then all of a sudden an image will pop in my head. Again, eyes closed, here are some:

• MT will be waiting for me an my apt when I get home.
• I will run into MT nex ttime I'm visiting NYC.
• MT will ask to have me back and I'll say no.
• MT ill next see me when I'm happpy with my next boyfriend (hopefully C)
• Oh no, I am picturing C and I being together.
• I See us traveling and laughing.
• Just pictured MT walking from where the bus stops on 34th St. and 7th Ave (okay I peeked to type the correct numbers).
• Just pictured on eone of our many mornings taking the ferry from NJ oer to NYC and then the bus to the same bus stop. We would walk get off at the bus top prior to the 34th/7th ave stop (okay peekedagain) and walk on opposite sides of the street bc nobody we worked with was a llowed to know we were togethr.
• they weren't allowed toknow we were in love.
• Image of when thefollowing day after I told mt i was moving. I asked him to take me out the following night to celebrate he said no bc he already had plans. When I sawhim that following day I had never given him a meaner look on the sales floor and didn't care who saw.
• Crying outside of his house in Fort Lee.
• Sigh. C.
• Sigh. My friends in VA.
• Arlo & Esme with M...sad.

Just got an FB chat from G. He's a good guy. I'm distracted now.

Those were very honest thoughts and I'm nervous about posting. But here we go.

xoxo