I did NOT get enough good luck energy vibes tonight people! Where do I start.
It was 8:30ish and I was getting ready for my date at 9. I decided to call M because she had not responded to me after she read my blog for the first time. So I automatically knew she was concerned, stressed, confused, worried et al. about something if not everything which I had written. That something mostly being her prescence NOT being next to me. For the first time she is READING about my life. I'm not sitting in her studio with her telling this, she's READING it. That makes me sad, I wish she was here. She is my life-long best friend and sister. She knows everything but now that we're so far from one another it's hard to realllllly know what's going on in one another's lives. She is now reading about the sex, alcohol, drugs and missed connections with my mother and she is not seeing it. I know her feelings becauseI had not heard from her all day and assumed she was pre-occupied with her own confusion on how to approach me with it all. I know you M, don't I?! So I call:
M: HI!
K: hey! What's up yo
M: Omg I'm at this charity event with KM with all of his friends, you know L, etc. It's on 7th ave (I think she said 7th ave) and I'm in a black dress! I can tell in her voice there's more.
K: OMG! That's aweso-
M: Wait! K! I want to talk to you, I really do but I'm here ya know. No I want to talk to you.
K: -meee Okayyyy what's up?!
M: I want to talk to you, I do, I want to talk to you. Let me go somewhere quiet. I want to talk to you. Call you right back I'm going outside. (She's tipsy too).
So I continue getting ready as I wait for her return phone call.
M: HI!
K: Heyyy. So what's up?
M: Okay I want to tell you how I feel...I want to talk to you...I just..I want to tell you something..
K: Just say it!
M: I'm worried about you. Are you okay?
K: Yea! Of course I am. I'm not doing anything more than I did when I was living in NYC with you.
M: okay well I..I..It's about your blog. The alcohol, the drugs are you sure you're okay?
K: M, I've never been happier. Nothing is extreme. Everything is normal. I'm just writing it all down now.
M: Okay. But I"m worried. I told KM to read it and
K: M, I know you're worried and I am drinking more often on a daily not but not more than 3/4 drinks unless it's cinco de mayo, or we're out. After everything going on with my mom I have been looking foward to drinking more. But my friends down here are my friends like you. They would not let me be excessive or hurt myself in any way.
K: Did you tell KM to read it after you said, "Read K's blog I'm worried about her?"
M: yea (lols)
K: okay well??
M: he said nothing was really you until he read 73 days
K: I know that's why I made the sidenote
M: I know and I don't like the part about R! I liked his pictures and think he could be good for you.
K: I know M but I don't know
M: I didn't like when you said since you liked him he wasn't going to like you back
K: But thats how I feel
M: I don't want you to put that out there (meaning out to the Universe. I previously thanked the Universe for me seeing R at CVS didn't I?!)
K: That's why I put the please stay continued because you never know what's going to happen and things can change!
M: You're okay?
K: I'm okay.
M: Okay. I love you
K: I love you too.
M: Call you tomorrow.
K: Talk to you tomorrow, I love you.
See all. It's hard to put yourself out there. It's hard to show people what you're REALLY about and what makes you you. However, I hope you're lucky enough as I am the people in your life will call you out on how you are MORE than what you say. They will always be supportive of your actions but bring reminders to your mind, body and soul that there is always more. We don't know everything about ourselves. We don't know what it's like to see US from the OUTSIDE as our friends or even readers (for me now, readers) do.
NEXT!
So I leave after that for my date. My mind is a bit pre-occupied now and I know I'm not going to really "sell myself" to this guy but whatevs. If I want a future boyfriend he should know all of me right?!
I'm driving to the date when I get an email on my crackberry. It's from KK in Indonesia. KK is my mentor, "big sister" and friend from my previous job in NYC who I don't know how but absorbed all of the courage of the world to move across the world for her fiance! Here is our communication:
KK: Thurs, May 7, 2009 8:51 PM (my time): ok..read your blog...I have questions. Where did you get this idea? Where is this posted? and how do I follow? Questions about you.....Why did your mom cut you off? What's going on with the job? your hating it already? What is this writing job you were speaking of? a new career?
K: Re: Fri, 8 May 2009 7:55 AM (her time): Just go to http://wwwseminarygirl.blogspot.com/ daily to follow. On a date now. Will answer your questions tonightwhen I get home. Xo
KK: Thurs, May 7, 2009 9:00 PM (my time): ok...love ya!!!
NEXT!
I arrive at my date destination. This guy is another no number, we had met in January and I realllly don't like giving out my number. I already don't answer enough phone calls and my voicemail box is ALWAYS full. I don't need another contact there. So we chat on FB and AIM. On AIM we decided we would meet at LT at 9.
I get there EXACTLY at 9! Woohoo! First time ever I am on time for a date. I have a good vibe after all of my too recent mental exercises. I go to the bar and spend my last $ for a glass of house Pinot Grigio. At the time this was strategic. You see, I didn't know if he was going to be the type to go dutch on a drink (which I would not go on a second date) or if he would buy them all. So I buy my first, so he buys his first and then when it's time for a re-fill he'll offer to buy both. I wouldn't be able to buy a second but we don't want to let him know that do we?!
Buy my drink, the guy at the bar starts hitting on me and I politely tell him I'm meeting somebody. So I turn and scope the bar I don't see the date ANYWHERE! So I stand by the column at the entrance so that when he does enter he'll see me and we'll be happily ever after. I drink and wait. Drink and wait some more. After exactly 4 minutes I BBM A back and forth about the deal. She advises to not wait more than 15 minutes. If I do and he still doesn't show I have to leave. I can pick up wine and go to her place to sulk and bitch. Little does she know I already have stuff on my mind to vent about and no money to buy a bottle of vino!! So I BBM with her until 9:30. HE STILL HAS NOT SHOWN AS OF 9 FREAKIN' 30!!! What is the Universe trying to tell me?! Should I not have started this blog? Should I not have REALLY let people in? Should I not be drinking right now? Am I really not ready to meet a boyfriend?! HELP!
So I leave. Meanwhile I have a missed call and a text from my mother:
MOM: I am so dissapointed in all of you that you all couldn t get over your stuff that you could not be there for someonelse.
I also have a missed call from my brother and my sister now.
OY! Gefilte-a-fish! I don't WANT to deal with this right now.
So I call my brother, we're the closest. He says he needs to call me back.
So I call my sister. I'm sitting in my car outside of the bar and we have a bitch-fest about my mother who is the most narcissistic idiotic person you can ever meet sometimes. There is good in her but it's been a long time that we've seen it. So god forbid she ever did read this I would feel bad but it's the truth and my sister knows it too. We are confiding in one another when she drops a bomb on me about her current fiance? may be ex-fiance? boyfriend's ex-wife just called her and played psycho games on her head for the past hour and half. Poor thing is frustrated, sad, mad and annoyed with it all so I stay on the phone to talk it all out. We also talk about what to do with my mother right now. Also telling her the REAL reason why my mother and I are not currently on speaking terms.
It was 8:30ish and I was getting ready for my date at 9. I decided to call M because she had not responded to me after she read my blog for the first time. So I automatically knew she was concerned, stressed, confused, worried et al. about something if not everything which I had written. That something mostly being her prescence NOT being next to me. For the first time she is READING about my life. I'm not sitting in her studio with her telling this, she's READING it. That makes me sad, I wish she was here. She is my life-long best friend and sister. She knows everything but now that we're so far from one another it's hard to realllllly know what's going on in one another's lives. She is now reading about the sex, alcohol, drugs and missed connections with my mother and she is not seeing it. I know her feelings becauseI had not heard from her all day and assumed she was pre-occupied with her own confusion on how to approach me with it all. I know you M, don't I?! So I call:
M: HI!
K: hey! What's up yo
M: Omg I'm at this charity event with KM with all of his friends, you know L, etc. It's on 7th ave (I think she said 7th ave) and I'm in a black dress! I can tell in her voice there's more.
K: OMG! That's aweso-
M: Wait! K! I want to talk to you, I really do but I'm here ya know. No I want to talk to you.
K: -meee Okayyyy what's up?!
M: I want to talk to you, I do, I want to talk to you. Let me go somewhere quiet. I want to talk to you. Call you right back I'm going outside. (She's tipsy too).
So I continue getting ready as I wait for her return phone call.
M: HI!
K: Heyyy. So what's up?
M: Okay I want to tell you how I feel...I want to talk to you...I just..I want to tell you something..
K: Just say it!
M: I'm worried about you. Are you okay?
K: Yea! Of course I am. I'm not doing anything more than I did when I was living in NYC with you.
M: okay well I..I..It's about your blog. The alcohol, the drugs are you sure you're okay?
K: M, I've never been happier. Nothing is extreme. Everything is normal. I'm just writing it all down now.
M: Okay. But I"m worried. I told KM to read it and
K: M, I know you're worried and I am drinking more often on a daily not but not more than 3/4 drinks unless it's cinco de mayo, or we're out. After everything going on with my mom I have been looking foward to drinking more. But my friends down here are my friends like you. They would not let me be excessive or hurt myself in any way.
K: Did you tell KM to read it after you said, "Read K's blog I'm worried about her?"
M: yea (lols)
K: okay well??
M: he said nothing was really you until he read 73 days
K: I know that's why I made the sidenote
M: I know and I don't like the part about R! I liked his pictures and think he could be good for you.
K: I know M but I don't know
M: I didn't like when you said since you liked him he wasn't going to like you back
K: But thats how I feel
M: I don't want you to put that out there (meaning out to the Universe. I previously thanked the Universe for me seeing R at CVS didn't I?!)
K: That's why I put the please stay continued because you never know what's going to happen and things can change!
M: You're okay?
K: I'm okay.
M: Okay. I love you
K: I love you too.
M: Call you tomorrow.
K: Talk to you tomorrow, I love you.
See all. It's hard to put yourself out there. It's hard to show people what you're REALLY about and what makes you you. However, I hope you're lucky enough as I am the people in your life will call you out on how you are MORE than what you say. They will always be supportive of your actions but bring reminders to your mind, body and soul that there is always more. We don't know everything about ourselves. We don't know what it's like to see US from the OUTSIDE as our friends or even readers (for me now, readers) do.
NEXT!
So I leave after that for my date. My mind is a bit pre-occupied now and I know I'm not going to really "sell myself" to this guy but whatevs. If I want a future boyfriend he should know all of me right?!
I'm driving to the date when I get an email on my crackberry. It's from KK in Indonesia. KK is my mentor, "big sister" and friend from my previous job in NYC who I don't know how but absorbed all of the courage of the world to move across the world for her fiance! Here is our communication:
KK: Thurs, May 7, 2009 8:51 PM (my time): ok..read your blog...I have questions. Where did you get this idea? Where is this posted? and how do I follow? Questions about you.....Why did your mom cut you off? What's going on with the job? your hating it already? What is this writing job you were speaking of? a new career?
K: Re: Fri, 8 May 2009 7:55 AM (her time): Just go to http://wwwseminarygirl.blogspot.com/ daily to follow. On a date now. Will answer your questions tonightwhen I get home. Xo
KK: Thurs, May 7, 2009 9:00 PM (my time): ok...love ya!!!
NEXT!
I arrive at my date destination. This guy is another no number, we had met in January and I realllly don't like giving out my number. I already don't answer enough phone calls and my voicemail box is ALWAYS full. I don't need another contact there. So we chat on FB and AIM. On AIM we decided we would meet at LT at 9.
I get there EXACTLY at 9! Woohoo! First time ever I am on time for a date. I have a good vibe after all of my too recent mental exercises. I go to the bar and spend my last $ for a glass of house Pinot Grigio. At the time this was strategic. You see, I didn't know if he was going to be the type to go dutch on a drink (which I would not go on a second date) or if he would buy them all. So I buy my first, so he buys his first and then when it's time for a re-fill he'll offer to buy both. I wouldn't be able to buy a second but we don't want to let him know that do we?!
Buy my drink, the guy at the bar starts hitting on me and I politely tell him I'm meeting somebody. So I turn and scope the bar I don't see the date ANYWHERE! So I stand by the column at the entrance so that when he does enter he'll see me and we'll be happily ever after. I drink and wait. Drink and wait some more. After exactly 4 minutes I BBM A back and forth about the deal. She advises to not wait more than 15 minutes. If I do and he still doesn't show I have to leave. I can pick up wine and go to her place to sulk and bitch. Little does she know I already have stuff on my mind to vent about and no money to buy a bottle of vino!! So I BBM with her until 9:30. HE STILL HAS NOT SHOWN AS OF 9 FREAKIN' 30!!! What is the Universe trying to tell me?! Should I not have started this blog? Should I not have REALLY let people in? Should I not be drinking right now? Am I really not ready to meet a boyfriend?! HELP!
So I leave. Meanwhile I have a missed call and a text from my mother:
MOM: I am so dissapointed in all of you that you all couldn t get over your stuff that you could not be there for someonelse.
I also have a missed call from my brother and my sister now.
OY! Gefilte-a-fish! I don't WANT to deal with this right now.
So I call my brother, we're the closest. He says he needs to call me back.
So I call my sister. I'm sitting in my car outside of the bar and we have a bitch-fest about my mother who is the most narcissistic idiotic person you can ever meet sometimes. There is good in her but it's been a long time that we've seen it. So god forbid she ever did read this I would feel bad but it's the truth and my sister knows it too. We are confiding in one another when she drops a bomb on me about her current fiance? may be ex-fiance? boyfriend's ex-wife just called her and played psycho games on her head for the past hour and half. Poor thing is frustrated, sad, mad and annoyed with it all so I stay on the phone to talk it all out. We also talk about what to do with my mother right now. Also telling her the REAL reason why my mother and I are not currently on speaking terms.
Can you say draining?! DRAINING!
My brother beeps in twice. I have to push ignore because I really can't deal with him right now and I'd rather be there for my sister.
I love my brother and sister. However, we're all VERY different and we're ALL going through our own things right now.
I finally leave my parking spot and while driving to As place I call my brother. We talk quickly about the current situation and who should be there for who. Then he asks me why my mom and I aren't getting along. I'm honest with him. He is concerned. very concerned for both parts and worried about my relationship with my mother. So we talk for a long time and I cry. I haven't cried to him in a while so I'm uncomfortable and still don't believe he really is hearing where I'm coming from or even trying that much to understand me and who I am now, who I have developed into. That makes me sad enough. So I finally tell him I'm at As and need to go.
Call A and she comes to the door. I hide my cried out face and she doesn't notice until we're in the hallway. She hugs me. When we get into her apt she asks to get me H2O but I tell her I want alcohol. She gives me Miller Lite and listens while I cry and dish about who I spoke with tonight, what they said, what I said and how I felt.
We ALSO decide to FB message the douchebag who stood me up!!
K: May 7, 2009 10:25 PM: Hey..so I was there from 9-9:30 and didn't see you?! I'm on my BlackBerry & this was the only way I knew to get in touch. What's your deal?
His response: May 7, 2009 10:39 PM: Hey I am really sorry I was there at 9:30 took me forever to get there. I went in and looked around stood outside for awhile. I must have missed you. If you get this I am on aim or call --- --- ----. Again K I'm sorry.
WHATEVER! NEXT!
A said all the right things at all of the right times tonight because she's my bestie. I play techie and fix her internet for her. Win-Win.
Now I wanna go to Cs and feel like I'm loved :-/ We learned that lesson. I have a trunk show to host at 8 am'ers anyway. Gooodnight.
CRASH! BOOM! POW! Y'all.
xoxo
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